Running

I said I needed to do a longer post about the Race for the Cure race so here I go.  This is really a self serving post because I think I just need to write this down in words. 

After Matt and I married, I gained a good bit of weight.  I can think of a few things that contributed to that, but mostly, it was that I have never had good eating habits or exercise habits.  In college I walked like crazy so I think that kept my weight down, but post-college I really packed it on.  I have always struggled with feeling confident, but my confidence was beyond low after gaining the weight.  I hated seeing people because I just knew they were discussing my weight gain when I wasn't around.  I hated the way that I looked in clothes.  Honestly, it consumed most of my thoughts, but I didn't understand how to get rid of it.  I joined a gym and never went.  Then I joined the gym and went, but ate out most meals and didn't realize I was consuming massive calories when doing so. And then I got pregnant with John and decided it wasn't the time to obsess about my body image.  I felt so much freedom when I was pregnant with John. While so many people hate their bodies during this time, for some odd reason I learned to love my body while I was pregnant with him. It was like my body finally had a purpose greater than I had realized before, and I enjoyed watching sweet John (and my gigantic belly) grow.

Pregnancy, child birth, and mommyhood were really a turning point for me.  I think it was exactly what I needed to know that my body was capable of far more than I ever gave it credit for.  It taught me to love my body for all that it can do and not just what it looked like.  I know that probably sounds cheesy, but it is the truth.  I also learned that I was so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. 

So a few months after John was born, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer, and my friend Shannon suggested we get a team together to run the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in her honor.  I agreed (because really how could I not), and that's when I began running for the first time.  I made my mind up that I would do the couch to 5k program faithfully and that I would run that race.  I have NEVER run in my life.  I have never played a sport that required running. That's not entirely true actually...I was supposed to run at cheerleading practice in high school, but instead I cheated and took short cuts. So Matt agreed to be my encouragement and do the program with me, and, of course, Johnboy was always up for a ride in the jogging stroller.  The couch to 5k program started out pretty easy, but I'll never forget the day that I had to run for 5 minutes straight. I literally called Matt in a full on panic because I didn't believe that I could do it, but I had promised myself I would run this race.  Matt calmed me down and I survived the 5 minute runs, and then the 10 minute runs, and before I knew it I could run the 3.1 miles.  This is nothing to most people.  This is like a light jog for fun, but to me this was HUGE.

So in training for this 5k so many things changed for me. 

1. I learned to push myself harder than I ever had before.  I think the recent experience of pushing for other reasons and feeling like I was going to die in the process (that would be delivering John) showed me that my body could endure a little discomfort.  I learned the art of discipline.

2. Running made me want to be healthier in general, and I started paying attention to what I was eating and focusing on eating things that were good for me.  Not just low calorie, but nutritious.

3. I started dropping weight.  It wasn't overnight.  It was slow, but steady. The next thing I knew I was at a really great weight for me.

I never learned to completely love to run, but I've learned to like running and to endure it for the sake of my health.  It probably isn't irony that all of this happened for me following having John and preparing for the Race for the Cure.  It was almost as if the woman in me needed to take this moment to be so proud of what I had accomplished, what I could accomplish, and what the women around me were accomplishing.  My mom had breast cancer and won.  My mother-in-law was battling through it and winning.  And unfortunately, the odds are much higher that I will one day have to face this battle as well.  The only thing I have any control over to prevent this is to take care of myself.  To eat right and to exercise and to sleep and to keep my stress level down and to love the heck out of life. 

So here I am a year later. I have had my ups and downs with running. I've been diligent about it some months and totally fallen off the wagon others, but I don't think I will ever lose sight of the need to take care of myself now. 

And most importantly, a year after running the race for the first time, I still feel really good about myself.  I, honestly, can say that I have learned to love my body for what it can do and not just what it looks like.  I can say that I want to continue to eat right and exercise so I feel good in my clothes, but more importantly, so I can know that I've done everything that I can to take care of myself and not live with regrets.  This summer I will put on my swimsuit knowing that there is a little flab here or there, and I will be incredibly proud to wear it because I've come a long way.  And I have this gorgeous child responsible for the occasional stretch mark that my thighs now wear. And I have an incredible husband who loved me at 150 pounds as much as he does now 40 or so pounds less. 

So while I used to be ashamed of everything about this picture.

Now I can honestly say it was just a moment in the process of learning to take care of myself and be proud of who I am.

And proud of being a healthy, happy mama!