Well as you all know I am a parenting expert. I mean I have kept a child alive for almost 4.5 years so that pretty much qualifies me as a parenting prodigy right? I have even kept two alive now for almost 14 months...although the younger one does have a mystery bruise on his cheek right now. :/ I just wanted to make sure that I gave my qualifications before getting to the point.
I have lots of friends that are having their first babies right now and I find all new moms have one thing in common. They don't trust themselves. I have had several friends ask for advice and what they really need is for someone to just validate their thoughts or concerns and support them through making the tough (and sometimes not that tough) decisions. This sort of got me thinking about some things I wish I had known as a new mom.
The very first thing I wish I could have told myself or that I would tell new moms is that you do not have to be in a certain mommy camp. You can find things that you love and things that you find insane in each and every parenting philosophy. For example, let's start with feeding. You can be a breastfeeding mom who feeds on demand, a breast milk pumping and bottle feeding machine, or an all out breast feeding didn't/won't work for our family, formula feeding hero...or a mixture of all three! You can wait until 6 months for solids if you want, but if you feel like you're little one would benefit from solids before then, that works too! I am so sad whenever I hear the amount of pressure that this issue alone causes new moms. I have recently become so struck by how odd it is that we obsess over infant feeding. No one questions me about how I feed my four year old. They don't seem interested at all, but everyone wants to know how my baby receives nutrition. It's weird really right? So do your best to just ignore people who have opinions and comments. Everyone tends to think they are a baby whisperer.
And while we're on the subject of breastfeeding...here are things I wish I had known the first time. You will be able to breastfeed if you have the right supports in place. People tend to think that breastfeeding is something that only some women can do. I cannot tell you how many times I completely freaked out that I was not producing enough milk. Here is the truth (usually...there are always some outliers), in the beginning, babies have to breastfeed constantly to develop your milk supply. I think new moms are somewhat shocked by this because... well it's a little unsettling. For the nursing routine to be established you probably need to just clear your schedule for the first few weeks and plan on nursing and nursing and nursing some more. It can be so hard to navigate with visitors and lots of opinions. People will tell you that your baby shouldn't need to eat that much and that he/she is clearly hungry and not being satisfied. They will make you feel worried and inadequate. You will probably hear "he is already hungry AGAIN?" more than you'd like to, but make sure you have a few breastfeeding veterans around to coach you through it. To tell you that you'll survive those first few weeks because you absolutely will.
Unless you just can't. And that's ok too. Sometimes you give it your best shot and you realize that this breastfeeding thing is not what is best for your family. You may have a few other children or you may have to return to work or one of the thousand other reasons that you decide it's time to hang it up. Trust your gut on this. You are not a bad mom. You may have to choose to feed your baby in a way that allows you to be more evenly spread out to your family and yourself. I was fairly sick after having John and nursing was only making me worse. I couldn't get out of the bed and Matt or one John's grandmothers would bring John to me to nurse and then take him back to the living room while I lay in bed. I couldn't enjoy my time with my precious newborn boy because I didn't have enough energy to recover from a hemorrhage and nurse. After 3 weeks of this, it was time to pull the plug. I cried. I kicked. I screamed, but I made the right choice for my family. He is so happy and so healthy and so not in anyway affected by that choice.
So all that to say, don't feel boxed in. Follow your gut through these decisions and treat yourself with a whole lot of grace.
Next, let's talk about parenting teams. There is team Attachment Parenting, team Baby Wise, team Parent Led, team Child Led, team Grandma Knows Best, and the list goes on and on and on. You don't have to align with one of these groups. You can take what you like from some and leave the crazy. I found feeding Sam on demand to be easier which is pretty Attachment Parenting-ish, but you know what I ain't ever signing up for-cosleeping. You won't find me cosleeping unless I am as desperate as desperate can get. Baby Wise will make you feel like a failure for feeding your baby on demand, but has some really good points about the importance of taking time with your spouse and reminding you that your child should not always be the center of your world. Gotta make time for mama! I always feel sad when I hear a new mom talk and judge herself so harshly by the parenting team that she wants to play for. You don't have to drink the koolaid of any of these. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Now how about sleep? This one might be as bad as feeding with the ever controversial "sleep training." Some of you will be blessed with great sleepers. Some of you will not. Those of you who are not blessed with great sleepers will get a lot of pressure from people to sleep train. You will also get a lot of pressure from people about the dangers of sleep training. This is a pretty polarized topic. And here is my expert advice: do what you know you have to do. You will know if and when it is time to consider sleep training by how affected you are by the sleep deprivation. I often feel the need to explain that I know that my 14 month old shouldn't be waking up during the night. I feel a little shame about it, but the truth is I'm not at my tipping point quite yet. Either he'll start sleeping or I'll get to that point where I know that some crying will lead to the end result of having a better sleeper. I truly believe this is a family specific issue. Some families can handle the night waking and some families have to say enough is enough, it's time to sleep train. Neither family is right and neither is wrong. In fact, I have been the family on both sides of this. You are not forever harming your child if they have to cry a little to learn to sleep. You should not feel shame or guilt. Sleeping is a skill that can be tough to learn. And if you don't believe in crying it out, my guess would be that you've never been so tired that you feel like your health and wellbeing is in danger. Don't be that mom who holds such strong opinions on this that you alienate other people. Sleep and let sleep...or not sleep if that is the choice.
And most importantly, find yourself a great support group. Ignore the moms who want to compare or who think they know it all. Find the ones that are open to hearing you out and helping you process. The one who can say "just pick a carseat. It really will be ok no matter what you choose." Or the one who can say "you're doing an awesome job." Or the one who will tell you what worked for them without sounding preachy or judgemental or like it is the only way. And most importantly the one who will make you laugh when you're worn down, will distract your kiddo when you're at your wits end, and will set up a play date with your 2 month olds because they know you just really needed a reason to put on real clothes and brush your teeth.
You're gonna rock this thing new mom. Trust your instincts. Allow yourself some mistakes...daily. And know that there is a team you can join that isn't too harmful. Team Well Hell I Tried. That's the name of my team. It's for the moms who are aiming and horribly missing the goal of parenting perfection. The good news is so far, Team WHIT, is producing pretty awesome kids.
And so will you. Promise.