Why does life feel difficult you ask? Well rationally I know it's because Matt is working a heavy rotation right now and after a few weeks of those I start to wear down. I lose my optimism and my patience, and it becomes hard to remember the sunshine in the rain.
So I find myself bogged down in the dust mites of motherhood. Should I sleep train Sam? I should probably not nurse him to sleep because I know it's what leaves him waking up all night for more. I should probably not sleep train though because that feels so barbaric. And why is John so precious one moment and a complete psychopath the next? And why is three such a challenging age? And what am I doing wrong that makes this feel so hard sometimes? And somehow this same old tape plays for me...you're not good at this. You're not good at this. You're not good at this.
I wish this were not true about myself. I wish that I were a little more level headed when things get rough, but the truth is I always second guess myself as a mother. I always think that perhaps my kids would be better off if I went back to work because let's face it, when you stay home with your children, some days are picnics on the beach full of laughter and joy and some are "oh my goodness, I just need to run in the bank without puke stains, a screaming baby, and a preschooler saying 'mom watch this' over and over and over again while I try to deposit a check" days. Some days are hard. Some days leave you drained. And for me, some days leave me wondering what am I even doing anyway.
I admit it. I've been in a bit of a slump, but I'm coming around. Yesterday Matt was telling John and I the name of the new residents and said that one was named John and one Jennifer, and I jokingly said to John that we were going to be residents next year! My totally exhausting, but precious little boy looked at me so seriously and said "no way! God made you to be my mommy and not a resident." I sort of laughed him off in the moment as I always do because he is notorious for saying hysterical things, but the words sort of resonated with me. All day today they have been playing through my mind. God made you to be my mommy and not a resident. Although there are some families who do it, it is mostly true that both parents can't live a resident life style. Matt is a resident right now and God chose me to be John and Sam's mommy, and thanks to John that means a lot more today than it did yesterday because no matter how much I feel like I'm screwing it up sometimes, there is a little boy in our home who needs me to be his mommy.
And as if that sweet moment wasn't enough, today as we were getting ready for John's nap he said he really wanted to read that book about the girl who picks up the boy. It took me forever, but I finally figured out he meant I'll Love You Forever. So John finished his homily to me today with asking me to rock him in his chair and sing him,
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be."
Clouds shifted. Sun appeared. My heart remembered. It was time for extra snuggles and lots of love, but mostly, it was time for not being so hard on myself. Time to remember that it truly is about love and not about sleep training or perfecting positive reinforcement when your patience is thin. Those things matter, but not if you've forgotten how to love in a big way. Not if you're just going through the motions.
So that's my new focus. Remember how to love really, really big and the rest will work out.
(I mean...I think...Sam will sleep eventually right?)
Some pinspiration in case you also need it.
Relax. I can do this.
I needed this today too. Thank you.
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