Whoa. Breastfeeding.
Just that one word can evoke so much emotion in people. It's the one thing in parenting that can evoke feelings from one extreme to the other (with maybe the exception of vaccinations...sheesh that's a doozy). You have the "I love a nursing baby. How beautiful" people. You have the don't ask, don't tell people. And then you have the people that are truly disgusted and disturbed. I didn't have the opportunity to breastfeed John so I wasn't as aware of all of these types, but I will say that Sam has opened a whole new world for me.
Disclaimer: People put too much pressure on moms to make breastfeeding work. It has worked for me once and not worked for me once, and I promise both experiences were sweet and wonderful experiences. The last thing I want to do is make anyone feel bad if it didn't work out for them so please don't interpret this post that way.
Ok. Real talk. I was a complete mess when I couldn't nurse John. I felt ashamed up until the moment when he turned one and switched to whole milk and I didn't have to feed him formula in public anymore. I hate to admit that because I feel like a total freak, but it was the truth. I wanted it to work so badly, but it couldn't. No lactaction consultant could cure the issues we had and it was in my family's best interest for me to give up the fight and formula feed John. Of course, by the time he turned 2 I had long forgotten the issue was ever so important and had nothing but pride when I looked at my perfectly healthy and happy child. It honestly didn't matter at that point, but when it came time to have Sam, I knew that I wanted it to work for us. I just wanted to be healthy enough after he was born that I could give it a fair shot at least, and we were so lucky to have that experience. Sam took to nursing so well and I got to experience the bliss of breastfeeding in the newborn weeks.
Anyone who has nursed a baby is currently thinking I've lost my mind. Bliss?
You forreal?
No. I'm not. Nursing a baby is like bootcamp in the first month of their life (and for Sam two months). It is no stinking joke. If I hadn't just been so excited that he was actually nursing so well and that my body was actually producing milk, I would have quit. Newborn babies want to nurse around the clock. Sam would be sleeping perfectly in some one's arm and if he heard my voice, he would start crying to eat again. He nursed all night long for two weeks straight. I literally don't think I slept for more than an hour stretch the first few weeks. Not to mention the fact that my lady pals were in more pain than I ever knew was possible for them. Even a light shirt touching them hurt like the dickens. No amount of nipple cream could save those puppies. And the horror stories could go on, but I want to get to the good part.
It took me awhile to believe that things were going to get better, but once I saw the light, breastfeeding has become the sweetest time. It forces me to stop and spend a moment with him. Snuggle and just sit. It is so easy to get to kids out of the house because I don't have to remember the bottles, bottles of water, formula, etc. As long as I have diapers, wipes, and a nursing cover we could be gone for a week and it wouldn't matter. Another amazing gift nursing has given me is that it brings Sam so much comfort. I can remember when John would have a fussy day, and I would try everything to make it better for him and sometimes everything would fail me. With Sam, almost always, nursing will calm him down and sooth him. I've come to be really be grateful for that.
The one thing that came as a bit of a shock for me is how opinionated people are about breastfeeding. I remember occasionally feeling embarrassed to formula feed John in front of other people because I wanted to be able to breastfeed, but I don't remember too many people ever questioning me giving my baby a bottle in front of them. I feel like I should find a hole and crawl in it when I need to nurse Sam in public. I'm not a militant breastfeeder. I always use a nursing cover, and I always try to be as discreet as I can, but I still can't help but feel the eyes glaring in my direction. I'm not usually a social deviant so this bothers me. I even had my first experience the other day where I could hear a lady just shocked and appalled as she told her husband that "that woman is BREASTFEEDING her baby in here."
I say all of this to say, I was once jealous of nursing women. I just wanted to be them. Now I'm a nursing mom, and I wish people would show me the same courtesies they show moms who are formula feeding. I now envy the anonymity of the other side of the table.
So here are some things I think you shouldn't say to nursing moms (and me):
1. You're feeding him again? Does he always nurse this much? Is he hungry again?
Please leave me alone about how often I nurse my child. Yes breastmilk moves through their little systems quickly, but a lot of breastfed babies nurse for reasons other than hunger. They nurse because they're sleepy. They nurse because they're overwhelmed. They nurse because they're 99% sure it's offending you and they want to keep it up. Ok...well maybe not that last reason. I am already self conscious when I have to feed him again in front of you. Please just let us be.
2. Don't you think other people should be allowed to feed him?
This is a tough one and something that I think all nursing mothers feel guilty about. Yes. Of course I would like for other people to be able to feed him, but I also think it would be weird if Matt were lactating. Sure you can pump some and feed a baby that way and that's a great way to make that happen when someone else wants a turn or you need someone else to have a turn. I would rather eat my left arm than pump so I usually don't keep many bottles on hand. Please know that most moms feel a little torn about this. They're not trying to rob you of an experience. They're just trying to give the baby and everyone else their best.
3. "My friend makes so much milk she uses it to bathe in now."
Ok. Well maybe no one has ever said that exactly, but all the comments that make you feel like your nursing relationship with your child is not as good as it could be. Everyone has a completely different experience with nursing and that's why it's so great. For example, I don't really over or under produce breast milk. I make just the right amount to keep Sam happy. I have many friends who have enough milk in the freezer to last 6 months, and I have some that have to supplement with a little formula to keep their baby full. All of these things are ok. If you're talking with someone who is having an undersupply issue especially, don't tell them about your friend with the oversupply. Chances are they already feel like they're doing something wrong.
4. How long do you plan on doing that?
This statement always feels loaded to me. It may be completely innocent and I'm just jaded now, but it often feels accusatory. The answer is who knows! I think most breastfeeding moms and babies stop when it no longer is the right fit. Sometimes that happens at 6 weeks, 6 months, 2 years. I never know exactly what to say in this moment and I laugh on the inside at the silliness of the question. "How long will you be doing that...you know...feeding your child?" Forever? Until their first job? Until death do us part?
5. Are you going to nurse him here?
Yes. If he is hungry, I'm probably going to have to do that. I've been lucky enough to never be openly criticized for this, but as I mentioned I have seen the whispers and sideways glances. In some ways, I get it. It isn't a cultural norm here. But in many other ways, I wish I could just put a sign up that says "I'm not trying to make a statement. I'm not trying to upset you. I just want to feed my baby. Because if I don't, you'll soon be judging me because I have a crying baby." So here is your assignment. Next time a friend, stranger, anyone is having to take out the ever-dreaded nursing cover in public again, give them a little smile. It always eases my tension to have someone just smile and move on like they would to any other person. Sometimes feeling like you blend in can help so much.
And here's one that never bothers me but really bothers others,
6. He's just using you as a pacifier.
This is true for me. I am a human pacifier for Sam. He is currently half nursing and half sleeping now, but I don't care. This goes back to the point made about just being so grateful that I have something that brings him comfort. I would let him use my pinky toe as a pacifier if he would sleep, and anyone who has had a baby knows that is true. A friend of mine said today "moments of desperation call for different standards" and I couldn't agree more. BUT this statement does offend a lot of people so watch it with those comments.
I'm sure there are more things we could dive into here, but I'm pretty sure this post may already be a bit long winded and whiny, but it's my current reality.
So keep it real. Keep it kind. Keep em fed.