The change has been no big deal yet monumental all at the same time. When I was pregnant with Sam I wasn't quite as guilty as a first time mom at setting unrealistic expectations, but I did have a few. With John I might as well have had a kick me sticker on my
My main kick me statement from going from one to two was this: "I mean the second kid just has to learn to go with the flow and the pace of the family."
Ha.
Haha.
Muhahahahaha.
I was wrong. Sam has redefined the pace of our family. And it's fine. It has totally slowed us down for a bit, but in some ways it's been a good thing. We are all movers and shakers, and it's been nice to sit down in the family room some days and just catch up on each other's lives. And the older (and less refluxy) Sam gets, the easier it is drag him from here to there.
And here are the other things that seemed different to me with baby number 2:
1. Labor was no less exciting. Being in labor is so exciting isn't it? Doesn't everyone love a good labor story? While it was also no less painful, I just realized how much, I dare say, fun it is to be on the brink of having a baby. I did love somewhat knowing what to expect this time...and that is that you should never go into it expecting anything. It is the most fly by the seat of your pants experience you can have.
2. The instant love connection is even more instant. I love John with my whole heart, but when they handed him to me in the hospital, I felt great love and great fear. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think all the anticipation and all the reading of baby books made me feel a lot of pressure to get it right. All I could think of besides how much I loved this baby was how much I was going to screw him up if he didn't nurse within the first hour or if he didn't "room in" or if I didn't eat my placenta. Just kidding. I never considered eating my placenta. With Sam, I never considered those things (I also never re-read the baby books because they weren't as interesting the second time around). I just loved getting to meet him, enjoy him, and I knew what life felt like watching John grow, and I was so honored to get to do it again with him. No pressure. No expectations. Just a lot of awe at his beauty and innocence.
3. Nursing (even if you were a major nursing failure the first time like me) is easier the second time. I was so much more relaxed, and I also felt so much better so I have to give myself that as well. I had no shame in calling in the lactation consultant and asking her a million questions and letting her have her way with us to help us get on the right track. It just seemed so peaceful this time. I encourage all first time moms to cut yourself some slack in this department. If they have to get a little formula while you're getting everything figured out, you are not a failure. Sam exclusively breastfeeds now and he had several bottles of formula in the hospital because he had some blood sugar drops. Life will go on and your milk will not dry up the second formula touches baby's lips. I know the la leche league folks may disagree, but a relaxed mama is a better mama. Period.
4. I am not nearly as affected by the loss of sleep. With John, I felt like I called in a grandma so much to help me deal with sleep deprivation. I have no idea why it is so this time, but I just feel ok without the sleep. I wake up at 6 am go to sleep around 9 or 10 most nights and am up a lot in between. Before having Sam I think that would have done me in, but for some wonderful reason that is unbeknownst to me, I just keep trucking while feeling pretty great. I may look awful to others, but I genuinely feel good. This might be the thing I am most grateful for.
5. I have no idea when things are supposed to happen. I read and read and read with John. I knew the exact day he should be smiling, rolling over, sitting up, but this time I sort of remember a rough estimate of when he should do those things, but I don't really care. It just doesn't seem as pertinent this time. Obviously, if he was so grossly behind that he needed attention from a professional, I would worry, but the little he's ahead here and behind here things just seem trivial this time.
6. You know that this too shall pass. The best advice I ever received with John when I was asking everyone questions about John's phase of the moment was "this too shall pass. Most phases never last more than two weeks." And she was right (that would have been you Angie Williams). You just can't get too bent out of shape over some behavior that you feel you can't live through because it will pass. Waking up every hour to eat...it will pass. Waking up every three hours to eat...it will pass. Not sleeping well unless they're held...it will pass. It will all pass, and that's all I have to remember this time around to carry on with a smile. Baby with reflux screaming in pain? It will pass.
7. I struggle to feel like a can be the best mom to both boys. In the beginning it is hard. Newborn babies can somehow take up no time and all of your time at the same time. They are not all that interesting, but you can find that you are sort of consumed with their presence. I find that this can be hard on a big brother, but not nearly as hard as I expected. John spared me the serious acting out so it's not that he is demanding. I'm hard on myself, but I'm always reminded of why we chose to have another child. Everyday we learn that while we are incredibly loved that sometimes we have to yield to the needs of another. It can be a painful lesson to learn if you're a sensitive mama, but it is so good for kids to know.
8. I was so surprised to know that I longed for normalcy so much faster this time. After Sam, I just desperately wanted to be able to get up and cook dinner and clean up the house and take John to the park. It was painful for me to force myself to just sit down and recover from childbirth. I did it only because we had both grandmothers here telling me to go take a nap or to just sit around while they took John to school or to do things. You have to do it. You have to take the time to recover. I guess I thought I would enjoy being taken care of after three years of caretaking, but it was much harder than I expected to resign myself to that role.
9. And lastly (even though the list could go on) you will have enough room in your heart for your second child. My heart grew a size or two for sure. I still adore John and find every word out of his mouth hysterical. I swell with pride as he learns new skills, and I absolutely cherish every quiet moment we get together. The other day I walked over a mile carrying him because it just felt so good to have him in my arms, and I could tell it meant the world to him. At one point he hugged me and said "mom, I am so glad that you're not pregnant anymore and you can hold me again." I live for and long for these moments with him. But then I look over at Sam, and I can't imagine life without him. He is so precious and sweet, and I soak up every quiet moment with him as well. I still find myself grabbing a camera every time he smiles because it knocks me out every single time. In fact here is this morning's Sam session...
And when they have a sweet moment together, I know that there is more than enough room for both of them here. It just feels right.
I'm sure if there is ever a baby Murray number three, I'll have to reread this to remind myself all these things again. I'm also sure that I'll have much more insight and maybe even some wisdom to add to this as well, but for now this is where I am.
And I'm doing my best to keep it real.